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Grief as a Parent

When I was fifteen years old I lost my step-dad Dennis. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. It felt as though someone ripped a piece out of me. The grief was too much. As a teenager I openly grieved. I did not care who saw my anger or depression, because I had nobody around me that I wanted to shield the pain from. I was experiencing grief as a teenager, not grief as a parent.

On June 19, 2018 I lost my Nana. Until now the death of my step-dad was the hardest thing I had ever gone through. This time no matter how much it’s hurting I am not openly grieving. I have been keeping everything inside. I’m sure that isn’t the right thing to do, but I don’t want DJ & Brooklyn to see me cry, hurt, or angry. I have two little ones I want to shield from the pain.

Back when Dennis passed I saw how much it hurt my Mom. Looking back I wonder just how much she had shielded from me, how many times she had smiled or laughed even when she was so hurt inside. I always believed my mom was the strongest woman I know, now I believe she’s even stronger than that.

There are five stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This isn’t a five step process though. You can go back and forth between different stages until you hit acceptance. I have already experience bargaining & denial. I’m not too sure what stage I’m in right now. I have been trying to keep my emotions as muted as possible for my little ones. I’m afraid that once I turn them back on I might be overwhelmed with them.

I want everyone out there to know it’s okay to grieve at your own pace & in your own way. Nobody grieves the same. There is no right way to move forward after losing somebody. I have accepted Dennis’s death in the past 10 years. I still get angry & upset thinking about how much time I have missed with him. All the things he missed out on. I know it will take me a long time to move forward & truly accept my Nana’s passing.

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7 Comments

  • Jessie

    Losing a loved one affects everyone differently. The framing process could take a few months or even years. Thanks for sharing and I’m really sorry for both your losses. ):

  • Tal

    Losing a loved one is hard. I haven’t lost someone near and dear in a long time. My hubby’s grandma died recently and we shielded our boys from it. Not sure if that was right but didn’t want them sad and scared. Life is hard enough. Sorry for your loss.

    • Samantha

      Life definitely is hard enough. Mine little ones are too young to have even understood, but I really didn’t want them to see me upset all the time. Thank you.

  • Lynn Armstrong

    I am so sorry for the loss of your step dad and nana. 15 is a hard time in life just being a teenager so I can imagine your loss made it even harder. I loss my mom suddenly 4 yrs ago right before I got pregnant, I wish she was around to meet my kids. Love to you.

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