When I was fifteen years old I lost my step-dad Dennis. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. It felt as though someone ripped a piece out of me. The grief was too much. As a teenager I openly grieved. I did not care who saw my anger or depression, because I had nobody around me that I wanted to shield the pain from. I was experiencing grief as a teenager, not grief as a parent.
On June 19, 2018 I lost my Nana. Until now the death of my step-dad was the hardest thing I had ever gone through. This time no matter how much it’s hurting I am not openly grieving. I have been keeping everything inside. I’m sure that isn’t the right thing to do, but I don’t want DJ & Brooklyn to see me cry, hurt, or angry. I have two little ones I want to shield from the pain.
Back when Dennis passed I saw how much it hurt my Mom. Looking back I wonder just how much she had shielded from me, how many times she had smiled or laughed even when she was so hurt inside. I always believed my mom was the strongest woman I know, now I believe she’s even stronger than that.
There are five stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This isn’t a five step process though. You can go back and forth between different stages until you hit acceptance. I have already experience bargaining & denial. I’m not too sure what stage I’m in right now. I have been trying to keep my emotions as muted as possible for my little ones. I’m afraid that once I turn them back on I might be overwhelmed with them.
I want everyone out there to know it’s okay to grieve at your own pace & in your own way. Nobody grieves the same. There is no right way to move forward after losing somebody. I have accepted Dennis’s death in the past 10 years. I still get angry & upset thinking about how much time I have missed with him. All the things he missed out on. I know it will take me a long time to move forward & truly accept my Nana’s passing.
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